Hello and welcome to episode 52 of The Ask Sri Vishwanath Show. Today I want to talk to you about rudeness. How do you deal with people who are close to you, but are rude and wicked? What do you do when they give you a hard time?
Today’s question is from Gerry who lives in New Zealand. Gerry asks “how do you deal with people who are close to you but who are very rude. I love them but they are giving me a lot of trouble. How do I deal with this?”
This is something that at a lot of people go through. I think it’s sort of a tax that we pay in this world. We have to deal with the pain as well as pleasure. There are a lot of strategies we can use to deal with this.
I recently read a quote that I want to share with you: “smile back at the people who are rude to you. Know that there rude behaviour is because they have a problem. There rude behaviour is a reflection of their upbringing.”
This can work is some situations but not always. It may work with a stranger but what if the behaviour is coming from someone close to you and is really repetitive? I have a better solution to share with you.
This solution comes from Krishna and all the other great beings. It starts with a story. When I was younger I went with my father to some of the smaller villages. In one village there was a small river where people would bathe before going to the nearby temple to pray.
The fish and the river
In the river there were small fishes that would bite. My father would tell me to go in the river but I knew the fishes were there and I was afraid. I would put one hand in and take it out and then dip my toes in and take them out just as fast. You are supposed to drench yourself from head toe but I was afraid.
I hated the feeling of the fish nibbling at my skin. It was a very strange sensation. My father explained to me that the fish are not really biting you they are taking away the tiny dead skin cells on your leg. He explained that they were actually cleaning my skin.
When I understood that these fish were helping me, not hurting me I lost all that fear. I had to go in the river anyway. I had no choice but while I was in there those fish were actually benefiting me. They were cleansing me.
The reason why I’m sharing this with you is that I want you to understand that you need to cleanse yourself. You need to destroy the ego. Let the fish bite. Let those people be rude.
Vivekananda says: “who dares misery and love, and hugs the form of death, dance in destruction dance, to him the mother comes”
You are in pain because you are expecting those who are close to you to change. You are saying that he or she should not be rude to you. This is fair, we don’t want people to be rude to us but you’re expecting their behaviour to change and this is what’s causing your problems. This person is not ready to cooperate with you. You’re expecting change but the problem is this is not in your hands.
Krishna says “attachments to objects develop when the mind ponders over it. Out of attachment develops craving, out of craving, wrath and out of wrath comes delusion. When this happens memory fades, intelligence perishes and destruction reigns.”
When you let your mind wander you become attached and out of that comes wrath and delusion which will block your consciousness. It is natural to want someone to be kind to you but out of that expectation comes attachment which will only lead to negativity and pain.
If you drop the expectation the pain will disappear. You cannot force someone to change before they are ready. It is not under our control. Remove the attachment to the ride behaviour.
There are two ways to give this up. We can do it voluntary or nature can swoop down and take it away from us. Giving up voluntarily would be like waking up and deciding to give money to charity or deciding to help someone else that day. You do it just to make others feel good not to get anything in return. When nature intervenes it will force things to happen and this is where pain comes into play.
Vivekananda says: “I dreamt of pleasure without pain and it never ever came.” You cannot have one without the other. One always follows the other. So if you don’t voluntarily decide to give things up nature will force you to do so and you’ll be miserable.
It’s the Karma of the opposite person that is causing this rudeness. This in turn is because of the gunas. We take karma for granted but we must honour the laws and we must voluntarily give before nature forces us to do so. We cannot stop this from happening but we can decide how it happens.
Krishna tells us to have a clear resolution. We know the context of the problem. Everything has a solution. So Gerry whenever someone is rude to you or curses you just do one thing. Go and sit down and meditate.
Do not react. Ignore the behaviour and just go and meditate. Then repeat Krishna’s words. “Fix your mind on me. Let your understanding be absorbed in me hence forth shalt you reside in me.” Complete shelter under Krishna and under the God. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Christ or Mohammed or Buddha. Fix your mind on one of them.
Karma is like water. It can seep in everywhere. You cannot outrun Karma any more than you can outrun a raging river. It will catch you but you can decide to give freely before it forcefully takes from you.
To get one up on Karma we must seek the blessing of the consciousness. When you are under the arm of your consciousness nothing on earth can touch you. Worship exclusively and it doesn’t matter who you are, you will be safe.
So sit down to meditate and surrender to the God within. Take control of the situation and make sure you don’t have any hateful feelings towards others. Ask your consciousness to help the person being rude to you to calm down. Don’t ask your mind and intellect. There is no need to open your mouth. Say it to your consciousness.
Ignore the rudeness and hatred. Sit down and repeat the words “Fix your mind on me. Let your understanding be absorbed in me.” This will help you connect to the divinity within. This should then help the rudeness in the other person melt away.
I also want you remember this verse: “Him the weapons cannot cut, fire cannot burn, water cannot wet, wind cannot dry. The self cannot be cut, dried, burned or wetted…Eternal, all pervasive, stable, immovable, everlasting the Self Reigns”
The consciousness within cannot feel pain and cannot be hurt. Remember that. Fix your mind and you will overcome all obstacles due to divine grace. Take shelter in you consciousness not your body, mind and intellect. Meditate on these words and you will be completely free.
I hope I answered your question. Remember you keep asking questions and I’ll keep answering them.